ElCap Reports

ElCap Report 6/25/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... another super duper day here in the big valley... weather, perfectamondo... sky, crystal clear... folks hanging at the bridge, great... even Epic Ed showed up with rations for the starving bridge rats. The climbers on the wall were mostly going upward although that team of two who stayed on ElCap tower did manage an orderly withdrawal past a couple of teams in the stovelegs... Today’s report was brought to you from the waistband of those black leotards that Jo Whitford wears to drive the boys on the bridge wild. So thanks Jo, and please come back and see us anytime... Love the guiding stories!! So here it is, on a Monday that you most likely want to forget, and we want to remember, another in a long line of ElCap Reports... so close your eyes and imagine that you are here at the bridge with us, hanging at the epicenter of the center of the big wall climbing scene here in the glory hole at the east end of the ElCap Bridge...

Today’s ElCap Report...

ElCap Report 6/24/07

By Tom Evans

Yo... Another beautiful day, almost fall like here in the Valley. So just as fast as it came the weekend is but a memory and you are once again stuck in your world wondering what the really lucky folks are into... well I can tell you all about it. It started with breakfast in the cafe today when Timmy O'Neill showed up with his brother Tom and some of the other monkeys arrived, like Biscuit and Sar Stud, Lance and Aaron, Sar Greg and yours truly. Timmy is always a riot, one of the funniest guys off the cuff you will ever meet. We were rocking the place laughing at his antics... so that was the start. Later I cruised down to the bridge and hung out watching the guys and gals on the Big Stone under the clear blue sky. The start of a another great day here and you are there starting to stress about the coming week that you have to face while we face just another of many great days to come... see ... we are the few, the lucky, the unemployed! Remember, if you're not wasted then your life is!! Anyway, on the dark side of our Day, Epic Ed didn’t show and we were all hanging on, lusting on the thought of his cooking up dead animals on the grill he is bringing. ED WHERE ARE YOU? PEOPLES LIVES ARE DEPENDING ON YOU!! Anyway, straight from Dolt Tower, where Nanook and Chuck Pratt bailed from their nose attempt yesterday comes today’s report of success and failure, happiness and dread, clarity and stupor, the hall of fame and the walk of shame... So throw down hard and kick it back fast... you had better hang on tight... here it comes, the direct route from the bridge to you... Today’s ElCap Report.

ElCap Report 6/23/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo.. Don’t blink or you will miss this report.

Zodiac: ropes fixed to 4. Ranch: another pitch behind them... did have a report from speedy NA team who were close by them that there was a lot of yelling going on between the duo...

ElCap Report 6/22/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... Friday night and I have some things to do.... so this is the short sweet version...straight from the Bulgarian Flashes Crocks, unwashed, right to your computer... here it is for today... the Elcap Report....

ElCap Report 6/21/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... Well, Thursday is fading fast and you are getting antsy about the approaching weekend... unfortunately you will, at best, be going to your local dung heap of a crag to swelter with the rest of the weekenders who bring their stupid dogs out and tie them to a tree so they can crap up the place and slobber all over everyone... sounds great, No?

But maybe you will get lucky and have a real plan and come here to the valley of light to hang with the bridge folks at the glory hole. Wouldn’t that be fine? But if you fit into the first category then that is why I am here ... to whisk you away through time and space to the world of your day dreams... the world where you are the one doing the king swing and listening to the roar of the distant crowd praising your heroic efforts, or perhaps pulling it together and sending the monster crack while the cameras click and then come back to the bridge to revel in the glory, or maybe make a push on the Trip and do it in 10 hours... Ah yes... those dreams, those dreams... Well forget about those dreams because those dreams are someone else’s reality and you are just the dreamer...but because we all have dreams I am bringing you something to dream about.... the.....

ElCap Report... straight from the hands of the Chuck Pratt look-alike who is just down from Sickle ledge and getting ready for the big Push, or more likely the big Shove, on the Nose with Nanook, and Tim.... So settle in, turn off the tube, and throw that daily paper aside... because here it comes... The ElCap Report for today..

ElCap Report 6/20/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo.... Soooooo.... Wednesday is history, and you are inching closer to the weekend and feeling that relief is in sight.... well not so fast, breath of a thousand swine... it ain’t here till it's here!! So I am all you’ve got to lift you over the bumps on your daily road thru life...lucky for you, because you know you will get the straight deal from my deck, and the chips will just have to fall where they may. The good get smiles and the bad get a kick in the teeth. So straight from the ElCap scree where the bailers sit getting ready for the walk of shame, right past us in the glory hole, at the bridge, comes today’s Report... you had better enjoy it because the time is rapidly approaching when this reporter will be heading home and you will be all by yourself wondering just what the hell is happening on the Big Stone?! Alas, there will be no one to hold your shaking little hand and guide you through all the news... YOU'RE GOING COLD TURKEY DUDE!!... so get ready to Man-up, big time... oh you may find a poser or two trying to get the news through to you but what do they really know?? Nada, man, Nada... So here it is fresh from my rocking chair and telescope right at the very scene of the action... the photons off the events are the actual ones used to make this report. Settle in, get out that Korean-English dictionary and tie your self into that chair you like so much... Here it comes... Today’s ElCap Report...

ElCap Report 6/19/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo.. So Tuesday is a memory and you still are feeling the drag of your efforts thus far this week... well man-up again because the week is far from over and you are going to be a lot more tired at its' end... this report is brought to you by the emergency crew from Maryland and Minnesota who came to the rescue today with some food and beers... thanks folks... it was getting critical here with some of the regulars slumped in their chairs babbling incoherently! Today was nice with a breeze and few high clouds... but the air sucked as it was quite hazy and the temp. differential make for a lot of movement .. . but I did my best to record the events for posterity. So straight from the curb where the shuttle bus let out three older women who stumbled into my telescope and sent it flying, comes the Report for today. So kick off those shoes, loosen that belt and hit the chair hard with a cold one because here it comes direct from the glory hole... Today’s ElCap Report...

ElCap Report 6/18/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... you made it past another Monday and are feeling like the week is still a long dreary struggle... well suck it up dog because you still have a long way to go and I am here in the lap of luxury at the glory hole doing what you would kill to have a chance to do... make meaningless pronouncements about worthless events and have fun doing it... so here they come.. straight from the beat up Subaru of Lori’s that just barely made it to the valley today....so crash into that favorite chair of yours and let out a long sigh and a blast of air from the posterior vent... no one will know.... ok? So now you are ready for today’s ElCap Report

ElCap Report 6/17/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... well now the weekend is over and you are jonesin for something to keep your interest for the rest of the day and the dismal week ahead... you are in luck my friends.... the weather is cooling down a bit and they are even talking about temps in the 70's tomorrow here in the center of the epicenter of the "Glory Hole", the ElCap Bridge.. So straight from the slackline set up down by the river, on the back of a poser who was flipped off and knocked silly, comes today’s ElCap Report... so throw down on that comfortable chair, clear your head, turn off your sense of decency and get ready to be in the shitt... here it comes without any clearance from anyone, or any caution by the writer.... Today’s ElCap Report

ElCap Report 6/16/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... short and sweet today as I have a program to give at the lodge in a little while...