El Cap Reports from June 2007

El Cap Report 06/28/07

ElCap Report 6/28/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... OK, you knew this was coming sooner or later and now it is here... so suck it up, take a deep breath, read it and weep because ....THIS IS THE LAST ELCAP REPORT FOR THIS SEASON... Yep it is true... the last of the reports direct from the glory hole at the epicenter of the center of the big wall climbing scene here in the Ditch.. direct from the bridge this comes to you from the balding head of our own Chuck Pratt look-alike, Logan, who is only here a couple of days more and then back to the grind in the city... enjoy what little news there is because it will be the last news from this correspondent for a while... So pound it in, tie it off, bounce test it, and then commit to it... Today’s ElCap Report... the last in a great series of reports direct to you...

El Cap Report 06/27/07

ElCap Report 6/27/07

 By Tom Evans

 Yo... another sweet day here in the center... Tourons were not too bad and we even got Aaron (KFC) to pose with some Tourons who were very impressed with his 15 ascents of the Cap and just had to get the little ones in the picture with the big hero.. just one of the lads here at the bridge. Plus all the climbers in view were seen going upward for the second day in a row! Shack and his kids came by today and fed the bridge rats some great franks right off the grill... thanks bro... so brought to you straight from Shacks grill and smeared with mustard is the ElCap Report for this day....

El Cap Report 06/26/07

ElCap Report 6/26/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... sweet day down here in the glory hole.. weather was super, company super, climbers sending in super style, Epic Ed's chili was mega super as the man provided for all comers, beer, soft drinks, chili... tons of people here today too with many super taco's present and accounted for.. nice day to live the life in the shade of the most important of all grade separation devices in all of climberdom... Tues is a great memory for all of us here... and how was it for you my devoted readers? Another day exchanged for the legal tender? Forgettable? Well it is your fault!  Suck it up and get some glory days to remember of your own.


Anyway, fresh off Epic Ed's grill and brought to you in the pack of one gorgeous woman from Finland, who's true love was half way up the nose...comes today’s ElCap Report... so throw down, saddle up, ride it hard and put it up wet... here it is .... Today’s ElCap Report...Your literary passport to adventure ....

El Cap Report 06/25/07

ElCap Report 6/25/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... another super duper day here in the big valley... weather, perfectamondo... sky, crystal clear... folks hanging at the bridge, great... even Epic Ed showed up with rations for the starving bridge rats. The climbers on the wall were mostly going upward although that team of two who stayed on ElCap tower did manage an orderly withdrawal past a couple of teams in the stovelegs... Today’s report was brought to you from the waistband of those black leotards that Jo Whitford wears to drive the boys on the bridge wild. So thanks Jo, and please come back and see us anytime... Love the guiding stories!! So here it is, on a Monday that you most likely want to forget, and we want to remember, another in a long line of ElCap Reports... so close your eyes and imagine that you are here at the bridge with us, hanging at the epicenter of the center of the big wall climbing scene here in the glory hole at the east end of the ElCap Bridge...

Today’s ElCap Report...


El Cap Report 06/24/07

ElCap Report 6/24/07

By Tom Evans

Yo... Another beautiful day, almost fall like here in the Valley. So just as fast as it came the weekend is but a memory and you are once again stuck in your world wondering what the really lucky folks are into... well I can tell you all about it. It started with breakfast in the cafe today when Timmy O'Neill showed up with his brother Tom and some of the other monkeys arrived, like Biscuit and Sar Stud, Lance and Aaron, Sar Greg and yours truly. Timmy is always a riot, one of the funniest guys off the cuff you will ever meet. We were rocking the place laughing at his antics... so that was the start. Later I cruised down to the bridge and hung out watching the guys and gals on the Big Stone under the clear blue sky. The start of a another great day here and you are there starting to stress about the coming week that you have to face while we face just another of many great days to come... see ... we are the few, the lucky, the unemployed! Remember, if you're not wasted then your life is!! Anyway, on the dark side of our Day, Epic Ed didn’t show and we were all hanging on, lusting on the thought of his cooking up dead animals on the grill he is bringing. ED WHERE ARE YOU? PEOPLES LIVES ARE DEPENDING ON YOU!! Anyway, straight from Dolt Tower, where Nanook and Chuck Pratt bailed from their nose attempt yesterday comes today’s report of success and failure, happiness and dread, clarity and stupor, the hall of fame and the walk of shame... So throw down hard and kick it back fast... you had better hang on tight... here it comes, the direct route from the bridge to you... Today’s ElCap Report.


El Cap Report 06/23/07

ElCap Report 6/23/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo.. Don’t blink or you will miss this report.


Zodiac: ropes fixed to 4. Ranch: another pitch behind them... did have a report from speedy NA team who were close by them that there was a lot of yelling going on between the duo...


El Cap Report 06/22/07

ElCap Report 6/22/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... Friday night and I have some things to do.... so this is the short sweet version...straight from the Bulgarian Flashes Crocks, unwashed, right to your computer... here it is for today... the Elcap Report....


El Cap Report 06/21/07

ElCap Report 6/21/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... Well, Thursday is fading fast and you are getting antsy about the approaching weekend... unfortunately you will, at best, be going to your local dung heap of a crag to swelter with the rest of the weekenders who bring their stupid dogs out and tie them to a tree so they can crap up the place and slobber all over everyone... sounds great, No?

But maybe you will get lucky and have a real plan and come here to the valley of light to hang with the bridge folks at the glory hole. Wouldn’t that be fine? But if you fit into the first category then that is why I am here ... to whisk you away through time and space to the world of your day dreams... the world where you are the one doing the king swing and listening to the roar of the distant crowd praising your heroic efforts, or perhaps pulling it together and sending the monster crack while the cameras click and then come back to the bridge to revel in the glory, or maybe make a push on the Trip and do it in 10 hours... Ah yes... those dreams, those dreams... Well forget about those dreams because those dreams are someone else’s reality and you are just the dreamer...but because we all have dreams I am bringing you something to dream about.... the.....

ElCap Report... straight from the hands of the Chuck Pratt look-alike who is just down from Sickle ledge and getting ready for the big Push, or more likely the big Shove, on the Nose with Nanook, and Tim.... So settle in, turn off the tube, and throw that daily paper aside... because here it comes... The ElCap Report for today..

El Cap Report 06/20/07

ElCap Report 6/20/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo.... Soooooo.... Wednesday is history, and you are inching closer to the weekend and feeling that relief is in sight.... well not so fast, breath of a thousand swine... it ain’t here till it's here!! So I am all you’ve got to lift you over the bumps on your daily road thru life...lucky for you, because you know you will get the straight deal from my deck, and the chips will just have to fall where they may. The good get smiles and the bad get a kick in the teeth. So straight from the ElCap scree where the bailers sit getting ready for the walk of shame, right past us in the glory hole, at the bridge, comes today’s Report... you had better enjoy it because the time is rapidly approaching when this reporter will be heading home and you will be all by yourself wondering just what the hell is happening on the Big Stone?! Alas, there will be no one to hold your shaking little hand and guide you through all the news... YOU'RE GOING COLD TURKEY DUDE!!... so get ready to Man-up, big time... oh you may find a poser or two trying to get the news through to you but what do they really know?? Nada, man, Nada... So here it is fresh from my rocking chair and telescope right at the very scene of the action... the photons off the events are the actual ones used to make this report. Settle in, get out that Korean-English dictionary and tie your self into that chair you like so much... Here it comes... Today’s ElCap Report...


El Cap Report 06/19/07

ElCap Report 6/19/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo.. So Tuesday is a memory and you still are feeling the drag of your efforts thus far this week... well man-up again because the week is far from over and you are going to be a lot more tired at its' end... this report is brought to you by the emergency crew from Maryland and Minnesota who came to the rescue today with some food and beers... thanks folks... it was getting critical here with some of the regulars slumped in their chairs babbling incoherently! Today was nice with a breeze and few high clouds... but the air sucked as it was quite hazy and the temp. differential make for a lot of movement .. . but I did my best to record the events for posterity. So straight from the curb where the shuttle bus let out three older women who stumbled into my telescope and sent it flying, comes the Report for today. So kick off those shoes, loosen that belt and hit the chair hard with a cold one because here it comes direct from the glory hole... Today’s ElCap Report...


El Cap Report 06/18/07

ElCap Report 6/18/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... you made it past another Monday and are feeling like the week is still a long dreary struggle... well suck it up dog because you still have a long way to go and I am here in the lap of luxury at the glory hole doing what you would kill to have a chance to do... make meaningless pronouncements about worthless events and have fun doing it... so here they come.. straight from the beat up Subaru of Lori’s that just barely made it to the valley today....so crash into that favorite chair of yours and let out a long sigh and a blast of air from the posterior vent... no one will know.... ok? So now you are ready for today’s ElCap Report


El Cap Report 06/17/07

ElCap Report 6/17/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... well now the weekend is over and you are jonesin for something to keep your interest for the rest of the day and the dismal week ahead... you are in luck my friends.... the weather is cooling down a bit and they are even talking about temps in the 70's tomorrow here in the center of the epicenter of the "Glory Hole", the ElCap Bridge.. So straight from the slackline set up down by the river, on the back of a poser who was flipped off and knocked silly, comes today’s ElCap Report... so throw down on that comfortable chair, clear your head, turn off your sense of decency and get ready to be in the shitt... here it comes without any clearance from anyone, or any caution by the writer.... Today’s ElCap Report

El Cap Report 06/16/07

ElCap Report 6/16/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... short and sweet today as I have a program to give at the lodge in a little while...


El Cap Report 06/15/07

ElCap Report 6/15/07

By Tom Evans

Ok... you made it to Friday and you are going out the door for a weekend of fun... well take a moment to relax and read the report for today... simple task... easy to complete.. this one is brought to you from the 36 mpg car that Scott Stowe is driving to and from the valley daily... he came in today and his client bailed so he was stuck at the bridge... fortunately his much better half, Lori, graced us with her presence at lunch time... so we tolerated having him around!!! Anyway here it is for today... a day of big heat and little wind... get ready climbers and posers, summer conditions are here.... Today’s ElCap Report.


El Cap Report 06/14/07

ElCap Report 6/14/0

7 By Tom Evans

Yo... if you think it is hot where you are then you had better have that thermometer recalibrated... smoking here in the valley with an absence of the usually cooling west wind... but the action is heating up on the Captain as the temp. rises.. so here it comes fresh to you from the bag that held the 12 beers that the "pink nose" teams parents brought us today at the bridge while they picked our brains for news of their daughter who is the woman wearing the pink shirt on the nose.. They didn’t know where the Nose was but we set them straight... very nice folks.. supposed to be cooler in the next few days...so relax .. tomorrow is Friday and that is close to the weekend so you can start weekending as soon as you finish reading today’s report from the epicenter of the center of the hub of big walling in the USA and probably the entire world, if not the solar system.... mmmm maybe even the galaxy.. or perhaps the Local group of galaxies... anyway there it is.... The ElCap Report for this day

El Cap Report 06/13/07

ElCap Report 6/13/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... kinda hot here today with a nice breeze down here at the bridge.. this report comes to you from a bag of grapes that Micah and Matt brought down today after sending Free Rider... Seems this is the one ElCap Route that the lads have a good chance to free if they put some honest effort into it.. Without any further adieu... here's the ElCap Report..

El Cap Report 06/12/07

ElCap Report 6/12/07

 By Tom Evans

Ok ... so it is Tuesday and there isn’t much you can do about that... still a long way until the weekend and there you are wishing and hoping for some relief... some inspiration that will pick up that flagging spirit of yours... just a few words to let you know that it is really all right and that you are going to make it... well call your grandmother because all you are going to get here is the unvarnished, uncensored (although some have tried), ugly truth... or maybe you got lucky and the truth is a wonderful reflection of your heroic inner being ... the one that rose above the petty existence you lead and made you a hero in everyone’s eyes, most probably... you just got lucky!! Anyway here it is straight from the bottom of the two Blue Barrels that are being hauled up the first few pitches of the Trip as I type these lines... Today’s ElCap Report... direct from the shade of the east side of the Bridge of fame and the walk of shame....


El Cap Report 06/11/07

ElCap Report 6/11/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo.. well here it is Monday again and you have just had a bad day at the job and are looking for a little distraction... so unbutton that collar, kick off the shoes and loosen the too tight belt... get a cold one and flop down in your favorite chair next to the computer because here it comes... straight from Ranon and Amee who just rapped the Salathe/Free Rider with the report so you could have a few moments of entertainment in an otherwise forgetful day... from the Aquarian to the top of peanut ledge on Zodiac comes today’s report....

El Cap Report 06/10/07

ElCap Report 6/10/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... well you better not blink or you will miss the shortest report of the series... brought to you from Ricardo's BMW heading for home today back to the big city after a weekend in the Ditch for some fresh air and a little climbing... thanks R..

El Cap Report 06/09/07

ElCap Report 6/9/07

 By Tom Evans

Yo... Here it comes... the line of sight report... not some cheesy 2nd hand account in some advertising rag posing as a climbing mag two months after tthe events... nope... right from the heart of the Bridge at the gates of big wall heaven.. the ElCap Bridge. Brought to you today wrapped in the extremely nasty pair of shocks that Cedar Wright wore on yesterdays send of Free Rider with Nick.. man those are some god awful hunks of fabric... I CAN SMELL'EM NOW! The weather here today.... PERFECT.. The Captain... NEARLY EMPTY ... climbers on the big stone... mostly POSERS doing tricks for the cameras... the Bridge, calm and cool... even Ricardo and his better half hung out today, bringing food and drink and HOMEMADE BROWNIES.. not those kind of brownies.. So here it is, totally unedited, uncensored, grammatically incorrect with turible spelin, today's ElCap Report...


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