ElCap Reports

ElCap Report 6/02/08

By Tom Evans

Yo… very nice day here with warm temps and a nice breeze. The Nose was completely empty below Camp 5 and I assume anyone above got off today. The other routes were busy with the SE Face getting the bulk of the attention. So without further ado here is the report you have been waiting to read all day. It is brought to you by one, Dean Potter, who’s VW station wagon cut me off at the lodge this morning… the lad looked in a hurry, perhaps late for a Monday morning meeting of the Valley safety committee. Today’s ElCap report, in color, with all the slander you expect from the Sultan of Slander himself, ElCap-pics…

ElCap Report 6/01/08

 By Tom Evans

Yo… lots of action on the Captain today with Tommy and Beth doing their thing. Photographers hanging all over the route shooting every move. Large crowd of meadow watchers too. I would have gone out west to see better myself but I had things to do at the Bridge. Things like shooting the many “regular” climbers on the routes of their choice. You see, those hot dog photographers aren’t interested in you my dedicated reader. Nope, they just want the bucks and the bucks come from the climbing rags. Do Jimmy, Corey, Heinz, Linc ever come down the ropes and shoot shots of you?? Huh? No? You know why? Because to them you are just some Puke not worthy of the effort. So who does get the shots of you when you are at your limit on the route of your life? Do the climbing rags have a little drink stand set up so when you come down to the Bridge jonesin for a beer you can get one? Do the equipment makers who want your bucks offer you a chair and an ear for your story of the climb you just busted your ass to get up?? Does 5.10 send you shoes anytime you need them or do you pay full cost for yours? Do any of these people give a rodents rectum if you live or die?!! No! Nada! Nope! Well, that’s why I was not shooting the elite, big time, heroes… because I, ElCap-pics, am the guy you can trust to care about your climbs and dreams. I am the man who hands you that CD with you doing the King Swing, Salathe roof, or the Nipple pitch on Zodiac. I enjoy giving you that cold beer, hanging out with you and hearing your story. I want you to succeed and if you don’t then you have someone to commensurate with. Oh, I may give you a little poke in the ego but you know I am there for you. Plus you get all the news direct from the Captain itself… Patagonia, North Face, Alpinist? Do they give you the straight dope from the scene? I don’t think so brother! So keep that in mind when you read today’s ElCap Report, brought to you by the survivors of the wedding party at Coilers last night.

ElCap Report 5/31/08

By Tom Evans

Yo.. Ok you made it to the Report, so now all you have to do is read it and figure out what is really going on. I will attempt to derail you with typos, bad grammar, poor spelling, and references to "insiders and local situations". If you understand everything they you can consider yourself a "local". Word has filtered through that various records are going to be attempted to be broken. Remember that all records will be reviewed and evaluated by the Bridge Rats Record Committee of which I am the chairman with the only vote! The attempt will be measured against stringent standards that have been arbitrarily set by me! Also be aware that any slander, past, present or even anticipated, directed at the committee or its worthy chairman will be utilized in evaluating your request for a record authentication!! With that thought in mind here is today's report brought you in the sweet 4WD van of Mike Ousley... So splash some water on your face and pinch your cheeks and pay attention because I'm not going to write this twice. Today’s Report

Yo.. worker rats on the treadmill of consumerism... you missed another good one here in the Ditch. Sunny skies, cool temps, mild breezes here at the bridge. Up on the Big Stone the climbers were raging! All the way from the East Butt to Lurking Fear the routes are filling up... we counted 18 parties we could see and that didn't include anything "out West". So it takes a man at the scene who knows the rock and what is important on each route, and not some wantabe bridge rat who gets all his dope from the shuttlebus driver who talked to the bus boy in the cafe after he overheard a cafe rat after a Joint Chiefs of Staff meeting at the Office. You have come to the home of information and misinformation. Brought to you today by my man Erik "Nanook" Sloan, who took some time today to hang at the bridge and go over how to post pictures on the report. This will add to your enjoyment of the report and serve as a more factual accounting of my gross extrapolations! Remember I am in command of the gateway to adventure. So without further fanfare... hang on tight, cinch up your harness, tie in tight because you are in for a rough ride on the Captain itself....

ElCap Report 5/29/08

By Tom Evans

Yo... yeah that's right... the weather has broken for the better and they say for 10 days no less. So as you can imagine there was a rush to the base of the Cap and fistfights broke out on Sickle Ledge for position in line. Beautiful, cool, sunny weather with a nice breeze to sway the tall pines. Had a good time at the bridge today as some of the regulars hung out and a few "new" regulars too. Today’s report is brought to you by the cute young hottie who asked if she could look through my camera after I had told some other Tourons it was off limits.... "of course my dear, what would you like to see?" I responded! So kick it back, knock it down, hang it out because here is the news of the day straight from the Captain himself..

Yo....Ok... it poured buckets last night, washing out the dreams and aspirations of many a climbing team. Still unstable weather in the Valley of Light. In spite of all the rain several teams hit the wall climbing and are continuing in the rain. The SE Face is seeing all the action at the moment. Around 2 pm today a big cell burst upon the ElCap area and the bridge rats blew out of here like shit from a goose. So be warned... if you have plans then make adjustments... be sure to bring some bubble bath, rubber duckies, and a shower cap cause you will need them

Yo.. still the weather threatens here in the valley. Some teams are just going up anyway, especially those on the SE Face of the Captain. I know you have heard various reports of things going on ... the Cap generates a lot of talk and some of it is not quite accurate. So what do you do to find the real dope on all the dopes on the wall? That’s right pukes, you wait for the ElCap report so you can get the real stuff, not second hand information from some puff daddy cafe rat.

Ok.. I'm back. Was gone a couple days when my girlfriend Mara, Queen of the Bridge, suffered a heart attack. Fortunately there was no real damage done and we went to Modesto to get her about 12,000 tests. Most were good and not to worry.. the grill has its commander back today! Still wet weather here and the rats have swarmed inside to the warmth and protection of the Cafe, where much leering at attractive members of the opposite sex was taking place along with a healthy dose of slander directed toward all not present and some that were. I managed to extricate myself and head for the bridge before things got too physical between James and Lucho who were fighting over a swooped half eaten piece of toast.

ElCap Report 5/24/08

By Tom Evans

Man the life boats!! Screw the women and children, its every man for himself!! Total rain soaking here today.. low clouds.. every one is holding up in the Cafe. I expect some of my more creative “cafe rats” to write a ElCafe report from there sometime today. Fortunately the wall emptied out yesterday with several top-outs and fixers delaying the start of new projects. I didn't go down to the Captain today, as I have a feeling I wouldn’t be able to see it anyway, as the clouds are just off the deck here today.

ElCap Report 5/23/08
By Tom Evans

Break out the Gortex, head for the Cafe, get the laundry done, catch up on your email... rain in the valley today but not steady. The Cap cleared off like the rats off the Titanic! The bridge was cold and damp today. Folks wandered through on the way to hiking loads to the base of the Cap. Good day for that! There was a team on the nose hauling to the top of Sickle. The other teams all bailed including the AAC belay testing unit. All down safely. All the teams near the top yesterday made the top and all are down save the Brits who are staying on Long ledge on the Salathe for some reason.